I have made it through 8 weeks of living in Siena, and I am still at a complete loss for words to describe this city. But today, I am forcing myself to sit down and acknowledge where I am at and what I am doing. For me, this has been the most difficult aspect of this trip so far. As someone who at one point believed she would never cross the Atlantic Ocean, registering that I am LIVING and STUDYING in Siena, Italy has proven to be tremendously challenging. I’m not sure if it’s the picturesque view of the Tuscan hills from the window of my residence or the stupefying medieval architecture that literally surrounds you from every possible angle. I’m also not sure if it’s the melodious language and cadence that simultaneously manages to place me in a state of bemusement and solace. Could it possibly be the mouthwatering scents of il ciaccino, prosciutto, and pecorino that waft out of the overwhelming multitude of local Italian bars and cafes on every corner? All of these aspects of Siena leave me awestruck every time I step outside of my apartment.
I believe the main reason I can’t acknowledge my presence in Siena is because that would require accepting the reality of the situation: that I will have to leave. I have been gifted with an opportunity that most would label as extraordinary. I would label it as bittersweet. Believe me I am extremely grateful and I am thoroughly enjoying myself. But I am also falling into routines and forming relationships that I will have to leave behind. Staying in a foreign country for 3 months is torture because the clock is constantly and very loudly ticking. You fluctuate between having too much and too little time. I have enough time to sort of adjust but as soon as I’m comfortable, suddenly my time is up.
I know I shouldn’t view my time here from this perspective...but it’s hard not to. There is still so much to do, and still so much I haven’t figured out. What exactly am I meant to learn to here? How will this impact me? In order to answer these questions, I have to accept my presence in this space and time. Okay Siena, I am here and I am present. Now what?